Wednesday, February 22, 2017

So am I just a massively queer transboy?

I hate that I'm always rearranging how I identify. Believe me, anyone who wants me to just pick something and shut up, I agree. But lately I've been feeling more like I am a boy, but just like the most flamboyantly queer boy possible.

I feel male, but I still like being feminine sometimes. Some days I like to wear makeup, but on those days I'm just feeling especially gay and fabulous. I still wish I was read as a boy, but just a boy with makeup on. I think that my more androgynous presentation has made me feel like I can't really be a boy completely, but who says I can't be a feminine boy.

I wish I could use male pronouns, but I don't pass ever, and I don't feel like I would be safe going into the men's room even with no makeup on, a binder, and a baggy shirt. I just always get read as female, so I think that using the male pronouns would just end up with me always explaining all the time. My parents mostly use she for me still now anyway, so I've never had to explain the they pronouns thing to random people yet either.

In my last post I was super excited because I realized that I might be able to get on T in the near future, but now I think I want to hold off until I'm closer to managing top surgery. Right now, if I can handle the dysphoria, I can just go out as a girl if I'm hurting and don't want to bind, especially as the binder does't get me read as male anyway. But if I go on T, I'm worried that I would feel like I always had to bind, and I physically hate it, and so don't want to do it every day. It makes me sore for the rest of the day, even if I only wear it for a few hours. I get so tense no matter how I'm presenting that I'll have really tense and painful upper body muscles if I go out at all, and the binder really makes that worse. So I don't want to feel like I absolutely have to bind, you know? Anyway, I've decided to hold off at least for now.

So yeah.... I'm a boy, just a really, really queer one. :P

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Good News For Starting T

I have just found out that I may be able to get hormone replacement therapy through Planned Parenthood, without needing to see a special therapist and get the dreaded note. There is a planned parenthood a couple hours from where I live in the nearest "big" town (I live in a tiny rural town  near the foothills of the Smokey Mountains). My parents are out right now, but I'm going to tell my mom as soon as they get back, and hopefully start making plans to move forward. :) I'm really excited right now!!

Other semi-trans related news is that I have leveled up my hair again. Much shorter all over, but still long enough on the top to comb back and slightly to the right. With no makeup (except my eyebrows penciled in, because they are so thin and light they're hard to see), my hair styled back with the goopy stuff in it, and my binder on, my mom leaned over to me and whispered that I totally passed one day. I love it when she takes a moment to let me know when I seem to have accomplished this rare feat. Yay for passing. Plaid has been helping a bit.


Wednesday, August 31, 2016

A better term for my gender....

So I've been calling myself a nonbinary boy for a while now, but as I'm getting more comfortable with myself, and have stopped trying to pass as male to avoid being gendered as female, I've come to better understand myself. I think the term agenderflux fits quite well, even if it might take some explaining as to what it is sometimes. It basically means, that I feel agender, but with varying degrees of masculinity or femininity at times as well. There are times when I feel more masculine, and am very uncomfortable doing feminine things, and others where I want to wear makeup and a flowing hippy blouse. It just varies, but I never feel actually male or female, always decidedly neither, even when feeling more femme or masc at any given time.

I hope that made some kind of sense. I feel like I'm still getting to know myself and as I become more comfortable just being myself, my sense of self has changed a bit.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Fluidity and Personal Acceptance

So a little while ago, my gender shifted closer to feminine than it has been in a long time. I still didn't feel anything like a girl, but I wore makeup for a while, and shaved my legs. I'm back to my usual place again now, but it was an interesting experience that I'm glad I had. Feeling more feminine and embracing some of the feminine things I've been avoiding helped me to accept myself a bit more. I'd been trying to pass as male in public just so no one would think I'm a girl, even though I'm not male either. But no one ever bought it, and everyone just assumed I'm female no matter how hard I tried. So now I don't worry about it as much. If I want to wear makeup one day, I will. If I want to wear dangly earrings, I will. I still prefer to bind as I truly hate my chest, but if my back is hurting I might not put the binder on and just try not to think about it. Basically, I'm not a girl, I'm not a man, and I am very fluid. Yay for self-acceptance! =D

Sunday, March 27, 2016

So.... Updates

I know I disappeared for a bit there. Sorry. Lots of emotional shit was going on in my world and I just couldn't find anything I wanted to say. So....updates.

I am starting down the path to T, and am getting excited about that, even though it's still a ways off. My regular therapist gave me the number of a psychotherapist friend of hers who can help me with the first hoops I have to jump through. Apparently, he's gay and will be more likely to help me out than others, and they've been friends for years and she says he's just a great person in general, so that's a good start.

The best way I can describe my gender to someone is that I am a guy, but at the same time also a neutral gender that is completely not masculine or feminine at all. I fluctuate between different levels of the one being more dominant than the other, but their both always there. I guess I could be described as bigender, but I like to just say I'm a nonbinary boy. I never feel like a "man", but there is a decidedly masculine feeling about my gender, which is at the same time not male or female but something else entirely apart from the actual binary. It's hard to put the feeling into words, and if I come up with a better way of explaining it down the road, I'll update to re-explain. My pronouns are still they/them, but I don't mind he/him if it were to get used. I really only get my pronouns from my mom and my online friend Leigh, who is also nonbinary. (Leigh, if you read this, you are literally my best friend and one of the most accepting and understanding people I've ever known. <3 )

I'm probably going to start taking a shot to stop my periods, because I just can't deal with it anymore. It makes me so dysphoric that I just want to curl in a ball and cry. Also, just because my body hates me, I get my period twice as often as I should, twice a month for seemingly no reason. I hate it. I feel like my body is malfunctioning, which is how I've started referring to it with my mom. That my vagina is malfunctioning again. I really don't have an issue with my vagina if it would just stop bleeding. Sorry TMI, but yeah.

So that's a general update on the life and gender of Skye, the magical genderfluid emo prince.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

My Voice Without HRT and My Hair

I've always sung soprano, and I mean high soprano, but as my awesome enby self, it makes me uncomfortable to sing so high. So I've been training my singing voice over the last little while to be alto/high tenor. I sound surprisingly good, I think. And it's easier to speak in a lower range after singing in a lower range for a bit.

I've mostly been practicing the singing bit by singing along note for note with Panic! At The Disco. (Which is one of my all time favorite bands omg!) Brendon Urie has an amazing voice, and it's in a good range for me as well.

On a different note, I got a new haircut the other day, and I think that with the way it is now I will pass as male a lot easier, makes me a lot more comfy in pubic. I kept the length on top and my emo fringe, but it's super short around the sides and back. I'll post a pic when I have one. I need to dye it again, but hopefully it will be black again by the time cameras happen. :P

Friday, December 4, 2015

My Understanding Aunt

So tonight was the night that my mom, her sister, and I got together to make Christmas cookies. It was fun and really nice to see her. Anyway, I thought it would be a good time to try to explain my gender to her because it was just the three of us. I was so surprised and happy when she was like, "Don't worry. You've told me in less words for a while. I just want what's best for you." I wanted to cry, but managed not to. Thank you so much Debbie for being a wonderful understanding person. <3 I'm just so happy right now, and wanted to share. :D